I Am Me.

PPD or I’m straight losing my shit!

It’s been 7 months since I’ve had my baby girl. Two girls now, forever a girl mom. The time has flown way too quickly this time around. The milestones are coming and I’m not documenting much of the same things as my first.

If I’m being quite honest, it’s taking time to adjust. I’m still not okay with my post baby body or brain. I’ve been feeling lost again but not necessarily sad. More like spaced out. Like I’m watching everything from outside. I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces of the me there was before this baby came along, but not sure she’s around anymore. My confidence has died and my marriage is hanging in the ropes (again, I might add). But I’m guessing the marriage thing is a whole other story. My girls are amazing, it’s I who’s not so amazing.

I’ve noticed my patience dwindling (shit, barely had any to begin with) . I’m doing this mom thing 25/8, barely any time for self care. I’ve got an emotionally unavailable spouse that’s emotionally constipated and feels I’m being overly emotional (which is accurate asf because I just had a baby🙄)

I’m just not feeling *right* 🙃

So, again I say, PPD or just straight losing my shit?

cheechmccxx:

aidashakur:

This Post

i tried writing in my journal today, something good to kind of break the cycle of all the crazy i was writing months ago. i shit you not, i was just staring at my paper wondering wtf i could possibly even write about. i’m not saying there’s nothing good in my life but i’ve just been bombarded with so much other stuff on my mind that i was literally pulling up blank. 

I’m pregnant again, baby #2. the pregnancy has been pretty easy going and i’ve even got a job that has been cool about it. things have been going smoothly, more or less. but i keep getting in these funks where i’m being challenged about my beliefs and wants, and its fucking with me so hard. mind you, i came to the realization that idk most of my wants or hobbies so another thing fucking with me. i kind of just go with the flow of things and hope that i’m okay. even with everything going pretty well, i find myself getting in the dumps and having some pretty bad thoughts. not that i’ll follow through cause, hello, chicken shit here. plus i know i’ve got a 2 kids now that are gonna need me. 

like i’m not entirely sure how many people can relate, albeit i’m sure there would be quite a few, but i’m not about to get into detail with that. i wish i had more people asking me how i was doing, what’s going on, how i’ve been. but it seems selfish almost to expect anyone to be that accountable of my emotions when i’m not. i keep thinking about seeing a therapist but oh goodness how difficult that keeps becoming for me to seek. been in this new area for a few months now, and i still feel like i’m barely adjusting. i stay closer to my family which has been a huge help in a lot of aspects. but somehow i keep isolating myself from my strongest support system. idk wtf is going on. literally having a panic attack as i write, making me realize more and more how much i gotta get back to therapy. a bitch crazy lol thinking i need a new diagnosis, like the anxiety and depression wasn’t enough

onlylindaa:

i swear it’s so crazy how quickly my mood changes. honestly been thinking about going to a doc and seeing whats up. clearly i got to get into therapy. i don’t need this shit to be rubbing off on my daughter. she’s already getting anger issues like me. and that is soo not healthy in the slightest. i have to stop wallowing and get my shit together. with or without, i’ve got to figure out what i’m gonna do with my daughter’s future. she needs to be in school soon, idk if schools would even take her by the end of this year. she turns 5 which is the age for kindergarten but it’s after the school year has started. i’ve got to start researching more and seeing what’s going on. my baby isn’t a baby anymore. she’s learning faster than ever and i have to be a better example. i’m really trying to get out of my funk so today i cleaned up the apartment and it made me feel a little more sane. but my patience didn’t quite last as long as i had wanted. i apologized to her and had a conversation with her about it. she is becoming more verbal about her feelings and thought process. she is super smart and i have to remind myself to not take that for granted. 

alright now as far as mr. over here.. well there’s things to work on, on both ends. that’s obvious to anyone. there’s been small talks here and there but not quite enough to really feel satisfied with where we stand per se. as i’m writing this he just sighs and continues to play his game. like he’s upset about my feelings or something (or lack thereof). i’m just feeling indifferent about it all. everything comes and goes in waves. horny, hurt, heal, repeat. like a vicious cycle i keep doing to myself. i tell him to do it and then i get all petty. i’m totally fine now. i think the actual turn on is when i go and fuck someone else too. haven’t had the chance to in a while, no biggie really i’m kinda tryna do things differently this time around. hopefuly that works out in the long run lol

#diary

i swear it’s so crazy how quickly my mood changes. honestly been thinking about going to a doc and seeing whats up. clearly i got to get into therapy. i don’t need this shit to be rubbing off on my daughter. she’s already getting anger issues like me. and that is soo not healthy in the slightest. i have to stop wallowing and get my shit together. with or without, i’ve got to figure out what i’m gonna do with my daughter’s future. she needs to be in school soon, idk if schools would even take her by the end of this year. she turns 5 which is the age for kindergarten but it’s after the school year has started. i’ve got to start researching more and seeing what’s going on. my baby isn’t a baby anymore. she’s learning faster than ever and i have to be a better example. i’m really trying to get out of my funk so today i cleaned up the apartment and it made me feel a little more sane. but my patience didn’t quite last as long as i had wanted. i apologized to her and had a conversation with her about it. she is becoming more verbal about her feelings and thought process. she is super smart and i have to remind myself to not take that for granted. 

alright now as far as mr. over here.. well there’s things to work on, on both ends. that’s obvious to anyone. there’s been small talks here and there but not quite enough to really feel satisfied with where we stand per se. as i’m writing this he just sighs and continues to play his game. like he’s upset about my feelings or something (or lack thereof). i’m just feeling indifferent about it all. everything comes and goes in waves. horny, hurt, heal, repeat. like a vicious cycle i keep doing to myself. i tell him to do it and then i get all petty. i’m totally fine now. i think the actual turn on is when i go and fuck someone else too. haven’t had the chance to in a while, no biggie really i’m kinda tryna do things differently this time around. hopefuly that works out in the long run lol

dailyhangover:

why is it that i can only find the time to write whenever some dumb shit be happening. clearly im not happy and idk how to convey happiness. i am super interdependent and lack the ability to find happiness on my own. like i had a kid right out of HS and it was the hardest decision i’ve made thus far. the responsibility that comes with it and how much sacrifice it requires. like damn i really ain’t cut out for any of these roles. mother and wife. two very self sacrificing positions to be in. but i put myself there. and idk how to fucking adapt. everytime i think i get close, i am pushed back at least 10 more steps. im getting lost in my thoughts, and, believe me, they ain’t sayin nice things. i had definitely get these thoughts under control. it pushes me further and further back into that depressive and anxious state i hate being in. and my daughter doesn’t deserve that parenting. she is  so loving and sensitive, caring and loud, funny and sassy. any good i had in me, she took. and im blessed for that. i don’t wish to have my daughter be damaged like me. matt said earlier how he is traumatizing her, and, quite frankly, i feel the same. i’m still not sure how healthy our relationship, and i think we can definitely work on making it better. but does he really want to? like how insecure of me to want to continuously want to look through his shit?? like maaaan this shit is so mentally exhausting. and emotionally draining. he even mentioned how cute i used to be and shit like damn yeah you have literally drained me of anything cute for you, and i think that’s both sad and depressing. has it really gone that far that i am here just to be here?? idk i ramble and i get lost in the moment and the feelings that are overpowering me at that time

it is so fucking hard. like sooooooo fucking hard

quotefeeling:

“Behind every strong person lies a broken child who had to learn to stand up and take no shit.”

— lonerwolf

(via systemincompatible)

I try not to put all my business out there, especially when i’m feeling emotional. However, things have been so different. A bitch don’t know what to do anymore. Emotions are high but my self esteem has never been so low. And don’t even get me started with the panic attacks! But to get down to what’s triggering them, that’s where i’m dumbfounded. At my healthiest and prettiest i still can’t seem to find that *spark* to keep me happy/content. That feeling of being stuck just comes lurking through, waiting on a weak moment of mine. And i keep feeling like I’ve been reaching out, but maybe to the wrong people. I find myself constantly trying to reach out to people that aren’t even in my trust circle to begin with. The need for new friends and new start have been heavy in my mind and in my heart. I’m just so tired of feeling so alone when i’m surrounded, abundantly, with incredible people. But to burden them with the same ol issues is getting tiring. For them and me. Like I really haven’t gotten ahold of my shit already?! My anxiety has been hating not doing anything, hardly being productive, can’t even hold a conversation for more than  3 minutes. Like bitch who are youuu?! I’m the girl that’s always loud and there to help people at a moments notice, not the one to cower in her self pity and self loathing. To be stuck in my mind is to keep looping the same BS to myself and hurting myself more than others already to do me. Cause even in my moments of happiness, something gotta go and ruin it.